The Past returns to me, without the haunting

How did I find myself here?, was all I thought as I sat on a bar stool with a Noble Pilsner and my ex boyfriend next to me. He called and asked to "hang out," which I declined. He persisted, and the tone of his voice reeked of desperation. I finally agreed, and drank my beer and decided to order some sort of food for my slightly upset stomach, and prepared to listen to whatever it was he had to say.

"I'm living with this woman who is amazing. She's everything I ever wanted, she takes great care of me. Our sex is great, and we enjoy just hanging out." I nod, tell him I'm happy for him, and continue eating, waiting for some bomb. Or was this an attempt to find some kind of affirmation for the fact he fucked me over years ago? That doesn't make much sense, but then again, being with him never did. I continued eating and drinking, without feeling the need to really reply but with the occasional nod of my head when necessary.

It is then, (as if it's the most natural thing in the world for people to talk about), that he casually switches from the topic of his amazing sex life to telling me he can't stop thinking about me. He goes to bed wondering what I'm doing, wanting to talk to me. He misses my green eyes. He's crazy over the fact I died my hair black, something he loves to see on a woman. He can't believe I bought a CR-Z. He craves the way I look in my sundresses, and the feel of me sleeping next to him at night.

He makes me turn to him, and holds my hands in his. I know he senses my stiff body language and sees my empty eyes.

"I realize now what I lost. You worked and fought so hard for us, and I was stupid to not see it and to walk away from you. I would do anything to have another chance, I've learned my lesson and I can't stop thinking about what we could be now. We've both changed, we could be great, Cecilia."

There isn't anything that I wouldn't have given to hear those words. I prayed, cried, and pleaded with God to have this man come back to me, to reclaim his love and realize that I was perfect for him, to want me again.

But... there isn't anything that I wouldn't have given to have heard those words years ago. I listen to him telling me these things, and at first I feel nothing. Absolutely, nothing. I am at a loss for words. I don't want to comfort him, and yet I don't want to reject him.

After a minute, it settles in a little more. I now have the urge to hit him. Not the sterotypical across-the-face-woman-slap, but a closed fist punch in the nose. How dare he show up into my life and confess such stupid things to me? I began to realize that what were supposed to be words of love in his confession, were more like words filled with his own selfish desires... words that were mixed with his own self-absorption of wanting to make his own life better, instead of thinking about the lives he has hurt, and the soon to be others.

After a moment of staring at my blank look, he lets my hands go. The only thing I can do is poke at my salad, waiting for a calm breath. What feels like an eternity, I finally find the words to speak, but couldn't meet his eyes.

"Yeah, I did work hard for you. You fucking broke my heart and left me, and I still worked hard because I loved you and didn't feel like either one of us deserved to go through the pain that breakup caused. I waited and waited for you to realize this, to say you were sorry. You now need to go back home, and work on what you do have with your amazing girl. Like you said, if you really did learn your lesson... then you wouldn't be here with me right now ruining the good thing you do have."

I finally looked up, and all the brightness that was in his face was gone. "What do you want, Cecilia? In general, with anybody... WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

This threw me for a loop. A real freakin' figure eight of a loop that I didn't know how to answer. I poked my salad again, pushing croutons around and feeling even more uncomfortable. This conversation was torture.

"I want to be with someone, who doesn't have to lose me to see what they had."

Our faces mirrored the same blankness in our expressions. He requested the check and rushed back to his place, the place where his girlfriend was waiting for him, not even knowing where he had been or with whom.

I drove away in my car, and ended the night blasting the song "Notion" by Kings of Leon.

Right-side Up

I can't believe it. What a difference my life has turned within the last six weeks. It's as if I've been roaming the walls of a dark room and suddenly found the hidden light switch; a switch that would completely turn my world upside down, but puts all the pieces back in the right place.

It's amazing what you can learn from a 3 year old

It's been cold as heck this week in Houston, Texas. One of the main perks of moving down south was to try to escape the cold, so I'm really disappointed that I've had to reach deep into the back of my closet to find a bunch of old snowboarding winter clothes to wear to try to keep warm through this freeze.

With cold weather comes crazy children at the school. They all have cabin fever from being cooped up, and I don't blame them, but... wow, it's driving me crazy too.

On Friday, I'm sitting on the floor with my back up against the wall, watching my precious three year-olds attempt to hula-hoop to their favorite song from the Disney movie, Cars (it's the Rascal Flats song, and if I didn't like the band I probably would have never burned a disk that is repeated as often as this one is). Although the music is blaring, my "teacher ears" can hear from the distance somebody crying. After surveying the room, there's a sweet little boy who is farely new to the class hiding under a table and crying softly. He is easily coaxed to come out and gladly accepts letting me "cradle" him and smoothing his hair. I try not to really "baby" my 3's, but there are times where really.... a good cuddle is necessary.

As we sit together and he's wiping his tears, I ask him what's wrong. He looks at me and begins to bawl again, telling me that he misses his sister and wants to play with her right now. I nod my head and continue to console him, with my efforts going nowhere.

"But sweetie, she has to play in her class and you have to play in yours. You both can make new friends and be happy, and then see each other later on. She's very happy, so you should try to be too."

Now at this point, I stop to think about what I was really telling this boy. After truly hearing my own advice, I'm immediately hit by a hypocritical slap in the face. Who was I to tell him to move on from a loved one, when I currently couldn't do so myself? He's very happy, I should try to be too....

I continued to hold him in my lap and rocked to the song, Life is a Highway, and told the boy that it's ok to be sad.... only time is going to help. Because that much I know is true.

This is for you, Haters

It saddens me that there are people out there who are ill-wishers of others, including myself. If anything, I'm posting this entry to rub salt in your sorry wounds, and to express how happy I really am with my life.

I love my boyfriend. He is amazing in so many ways, and I can't thank him enough for giving me the right kind of support when I need it. Times have gotten really hard, but somehow he's still here with me, and we're about to celebrate one year together next month.





Thank you Mr. Wonderful for the surprise roses and Nutella when I was having a rough day last week:

I just got accepted for a laboratory technician position at the Methodist Hospital. It took a lot of interviews and prayers, but I finally nailed it and I feel so accomplished even though I haven't started the job yet. I'll be making more money, full benefits and time off.... and best of all, TUITION REIMBURSEMENT.

I also have the love of 22 different 2's and 3 year olds. I love teaching those children and hearing them call my name and rush to sit in my lap to read them a story. Each one of them mean something different to me in their own little way, and I love and cherish them. I can't quit the job no matter how tired I get from working at the Hospital.... I enjoy playing and teaching them too much. This job has turned into a whole different kind of passion, and the results are endless as the days go on and the children and I learn different things together. Below is some of our fun class art we've made:

And I'm still dancing on pianos on the weekends. Hanging with the best roommate I could ever ask for. Snuggling kitties under blankets. Shooting guns and enjoying sports and good food with my man.

Definitely living the life....

Reminder

I need to stop thinking that when things go bad, it's best to just pick up and go. I need to learn to just stop, put it in neutral, and fix what's right there.

Things to fix:

-School
-Job/Finances
-Relationships

I think that covers all areas of my life. Kind of why I want to pack up and move again.... put alas, I must wait till this school semester is over and money saved up.

Yay, neverending problems.

Time to get things in gear before I completely lose it.

Past and Present.

Here are two old Myspace "About Me" descriptions from the past that I stumbled upon.... how dramatic the past 5 years have been. I love reading about my naiveness and how much my "in the clouds" thinking ruled my head... and I'm also still amazed at how fearless I lived and all of the different leap-of-faiths I took, despite falling down from them. I'm curious to see what the next 5 years bring and what kind of character I'll have....

Date: Roughly around December 2005/ January 2006

I'm trying to figure it out, who I am.
I am a person who likes to have fun, many friends come to me to take them out to paint the town. But I am also a very hard working person, everything I have I work my ass off for, including the apartment that I live in by myself and the school I'm paying for out of my pocket.

I like to think I've got a good relationship with God. I'm doing my best to live for Him, and I hope that within the next year I can do some missions somewhere.

I am extremely passionate about art. I am actually beginning to think that I may want to major in being a curator! I'm really, REALLY thinking that over.

I want travel ALL over Europe. And Egypt. To see a pyramid or to ride an Elephant or to someday embrace a real Mehendi design would blow my mind away.

I want to go in a hot air balloon and drive a zamboni someday.

Date: January 2006

I’m just an average 20 year old, living by myself in Houston and doing my thing as a waitress at BJ’s. Although traveling is on the top of my to-do list (Texas is the training wheels here), I’m still in school slowly progressing to the end of my Associates degree. I finally quit the daycare teaching job and found another one combining my two favorite things (children and books) into one by working at Barnes and Noble in the Children’s Book Section. I am rather good at sharing stories and singing songs using my hands (aka story time)…much more fun then doing diapers and time outs. I occasionally enjoy indulging in a margarita with my friends, and find myself visiting the art museum a lot. I’m one of those people at an Avalanche game who yell and hoot and curse when things don’t go right (and when they do). I grew up riding dirtbikes with my dad since I was a tot, and was once on the tennis team and a cheerleader yet I am completely uncoordinated and often trip when wearing heels.. In about 7 months or so I may take a job offer in Manhattan, but if not, hopefully I’ll be demeurer à Paris in a beautiful summer rental if my finances permit!

Not even going to try anymore. I'll let it happen on it's own. Everything.