Reminder

I need to stop thinking that when things go bad, it's best to just pick up and go. I need to learn to just stop, put it in neutral, and fix what's right there.

Things to fix:

-School
-Job/Finances
-Relationships

I think that covers all areas of my life. Kind of why I want to pack up and move again.... put alas, I must wait till this school semester is over and money saved up.

Yay, neverending problems.

Time to get things in gear before I completely lose it.

Past and Present.

Here are two old Myspace "About Me" descriptions from the past that I stumbled upon.... how dramatic the past 5 years have been. I love reading about my naiveness and how much my "in the clouds" thinking ruled my head... and I'm also still amazed at how fearless I lived and all of the different leap-of-faiths I took, despite falling down from them. I'm curious to see what the next 5 years bring and what kind of character I'll have....

Date: Roughly around December 2005/ January 2006

I'm trying to figure it out, who I am.
I am a person who likes to have fun, many friends come to me to take them out to paint the town. But I am also a very hard working person, everything I have I work my ass off for, including the apartment that I live in by myself and the school I'm paying for out of my pocket.

I like to think I've got a good relationship with God. I'm doing my best to live for Him, and I hope that within the next year I can do some missions somewhere.

I am extremely passionate about art. I am actually beginning to think that I may want to major in being a curator! I'm really, REALLY thinking that over.

I want travel ALL over Europe. And Egypt. To see a pyramid or to ride an Elephant or to someday embrace a real Mehendi design would blow my mind away.

I want to go in a hot air balloon and drive a zamboni someday.

Date: January 2006

I’m just an average 20 year old, living by myself in Houston and doing my thing as a waitress at BJ’s. Although traveling is on the top of my to-do list (Texas is the training wheels here), I’m still in school slowly progressing to the end of my Associates degree. I finally quit the daycare teaching job and found another one combining my two favorite things (children and books) into one by working at Barnes and Noble in the Children’s Book Section. I am rather good at sharing stories and singing songs using my hands (aka story time)…much more fun then doing diapers and time outs. I occasionally enjoy indulging in a margarita with my friends, and find myself visiting the art museum a lot. I’m one of those people at an Avalanche game who yell and hoot and curse when things don’t go right (and when they do). I grew up riding dirtbikes with my dad since I was a tot, and was once on the tennis team and a cheerleader yet I am completely uncoordinated and often trip when wearing heels.. In about 7 months or so I may take a job offer in Manhattan, but if not, hopefully I’ll be demeurer à Paris in a beautiful summer rental if my finances permit!

Not even going to try anymore. I'll let it happen on it's own. Everything.

If You Forget Me

I want you to know one thing.

You know how this is:

if I look

at the crystal moon, at the red branch

of the slow autumn at my window,

if I touch

near the fire

the impalpable ash

or the wrinkled body of the log,

everything carries me to you,

as if everything that exists,

aromas, light, metals,

were little boats

that sail

toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,

if little by little you stop loving me

I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly

you forget me

do not look for me,

for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,

the wind of banners

that passes through my life,

and you decide

to leave me at the shore

of the heart where I have roots,

remember

that on that day,

at that hour,

I shall lift my arms

and my roots will set off

to seek another land.

But

if each day,

each hour,

you feel that you are destined for me

with implacable sweetness,

if each day a flower

climbs up to your lips to seek me,

ah my love, ah my own,

in me all that fire is repeated,

in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,

my love feeds on your love, beloved,

and as long as you live it will be in your arms

without leaving mine.

-Pablo Neruda

Je veux Ton amour
Et je veux ta revenge
Je veux Ton amour....

Hate.

I'm in a state of mind where the last year of my life feels like a total waste. I don't know how to get my bounce back or my motivation, and above all, I'm losing faith in everything I thought I knew. I don't even know where to begin to start counteracting this. I felt like this before 5 years ago and pulled myself out, but the underlying problem wasn't me then... and now it is. I really honestly think I hate life and humanity.

There's a song I came across describing a girl who can't stand to watch things hurt and cries over wanting to change it. That IS me. But instead of having a drive to change it, I just sit and cry. It's pathetic, I feel useless, and the fact I know all this and still do nothing makes me feel even better. I just have to admit it first, give it time, and then hope that this post will disgust me in the future and make me never want to return to this. Here's to hoping I'll get to that point.

Life Lessons #1

Life isn't over after a breakup.... it's best to learn from them and to move on with a lesson well learned, instead of sulking and letting that baggage from another hurt the next relationship. You never know when Mr/s. Right will come along, and it would be such a shame to ruin it because the last person didn't know how to treat you right.

I'm writing this in hopes it might help whomever is reading this... but also as a reminder for myself since I tend to not listen to my own wisdom when times get hard.

"It must be time to move on now, without the fear of how it might end........"

It's better to end things and move on then to hold onto something that will never work. This should apply to everything, but stubborn people like me always learn the hard way.

I can love and enjoy life being alone... I've done it before, it's just time to get on the bicycle again.

Another love collage:

My nephew

Howl at the Moon

My perfect roommate

Him :)