Leavin', on a jet plane....

I haven't been to Denver in two years. I'm flying out in 5 hours, and I don't want to go anymore.

My grandfather died, and I feel as though I owe it to him to say goodbye. I know it's not necessary to have to say goodbye at a funeral, there's just more to this mix of guilt than what meets the eye...

I leave for Mexico on my first vacation in less than a week, and I have a few extra hundred dollars that I am putting towards beach time and pina coladas... so it didn't feel right to know I had that money in hand when my frequent flier miles says they will pay for half my flight, while the other half of the money wants to be spent in Mexico.

I did everything I could to make it work with taking time off, with trying to extend my expenses as far as my wallet would allow... and it worked. I knew I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself on my own vacation if I knew that I had chosen it over supporting my family and really saying goodbye to my grandfather. I really loved him.

So now that the flight is on schedule, my bags are packed, and a car and room have been arranged... I don't wanna go.

Last time I tried to leave Denver, I cried. I didn't want to leave my family, I didn't want to leave my best friend, and I didn't want to leave my coffee date at 6 a.m. with a person I should have never been with. What was harder on that visit was that I DROVE to Colorado, so I literally had to drive away. I had never wanted to turn my car around so badly than that morning.

So, to make things easier on myself... I've completely avoided all means of returning back. I didn't want to feel that kind of hurt again... it was beyond homesick, and I didn't like it.

Especially because now I'm really happy in Houston. I have settled in so well, and I have so many things rolling in my favor; I can't imagine ever moving back to Denver right now, I feel like I'd be missing out on too much here in Houston.

And the sad part is, when I packed up my U-Haul and said au revoir to my home of 19 years... I didn't feel anything then. No sadness, remorse, or guilt... I was excited for my adventure, for the unknown. I didn't really look back, just forward.

But that doesn't mean I never missed my family or friends. I was just ready for something more. I loved to travel (and still do), so I was just giving in to that. I just didn't realize how permanent this was gonna stick. And I'm still willing to go somewhere else, when the time is right.

But a visit to Denver... it's not the same anymore. I don't want to feel like I did before. And I don't want to feel guilty knowing I am in love with Houston and feeling this sad for Denver. Denver is gorgeous, the people are amazing... I just don't know if it's possible to really be in love with two things at once. Once I had let go of Denver, I was then able to really appreciate Houston (and that seriously didn't happen until this past February).  Maybe being single and not working at a bar has something to do with it?

I don't know. I really don't, so I guess... until next time.