Trying Hard to Listen

I've made my mistakes... and I'm trying to learn from them. But sometimes, I feel so ashamed, that I'm almost positive that even God has slammed the door in my face. And when He doesn't... I'm just amazed at His grace.

Here I am, with a sad heart... and God starts speaking to me. I'm wondering how the hell I brought myself to the Nissan dealership for one simple $24.95 oil change and I'm walking out spending $168 instead because I have to replace a tire, when all of a sudden I'm on my GPS looking for the Texas Children's Hospital.

I knew I had to go. It was strange. At first it was just an automatic offer of, "Well if you need anything, let me know, I have the night off," which turned into, "I'm going to get there as soon as possible." Although there was no emergency, I just knew that I had to go.

I got to 610 and Alameda, and even before I realized I was completely lost and choking back tears. I haven't stepped into the doors of a Children's Hospital for 4 years now, and didn't have any plans to go back. I volunteered at the Denver Children's Hospital and felt SO SAD at the things I had seen, that I couldn't return.... the helplessness gave way and my heart just wanted to break for the things that I would see within my 5 hour shifts on the 4th floor.

James is so brave. He is so smart, so clever, and has such a big heart... why does he have to be sick?

I was in tears before the ride, but on the way home I just bawled. As if God wasn't showing me enough, on comes the song, "Your Guardian Angel," and at one point I passed a billboard reading: "You only live once, make sure its enough."

What can I do Lord? There was just too much laid upon my heart to ignore. It's no longer about how much compassion and sincerity I have... it's about getting past the fears, the feeling of helplessness and just asking God for the right path.

I have to pray more about this.... but I'm feeling certain that I need to go to school to help James. I can't watch this beautiful little boy go through this.